dear sister
if i could tell you something, it would be this: im sorry. i dont know what im doing with myself, let alone with you. your wild. you throw your life to chance as soon as you drink. i wish i could snap my fingers and make everything better, but i snapped in half instead, and now youre gone. you want nothing to do with me.

Okay. I accept this, for now. if you have any suggestions as to how youd like me to handle this, id love to hear them.

i am so incredibly self-obsessed, but not selfish. my self obsession stems from my insecurities, but to my core, i will give up everything for other people. including people I dont know very well.

Here's what I am grappling with today:
alcohol. how it affects me.. positively and negatively. how can i be 22 and enjoy my youth, while protecting my body?

how it affects my loved ones. how it hurts my step dad and my sister. how can i hate them for drinking and then do the same?

and everytime i drink, all my horrible memories and emotions come back to me. im so so angry with my step father, even though i love him.

i need to stop drinking. i need to stop victimizing myself. i need to grow up.

My love

Today I realized..marrying mason is no longer a want or a hope.. It's inevitable. Masons my one and only and he will be my husband. The most incredible moment of dizzy happiness and clarity

La la list

I have so much.. But I still want more. I still want to be better. I want to be myself and also a girl mason will be proud to have.

1. Start running again ..
2. No red meat. No fatty hot dogs/burgers/pork-- even on specially occasions
3. No more dairy or sweets
4. Eliminate the alcohol. Make it unnecessary
5. Budget and save
6. Do the things in my agenda. Don't just ignore them to drink with mas
7. Be kind to myself.
8. Obgyn
9. Small coffees

One of two vs one half

I don't know what I'm doing but I'm feeling.. Lost. I spent all weekend drinking and having sex with mas and laying in the sun and relaxing... But we were also privately arguing everytime we were alone and not fucking. And fucking is the right word because he was so frustrated with me it was like he was trying to punish me.
Its like, he's been so kind and patient and gentle with me, that I forgot that he's a womanizer and a guys guy and pretty rough. I've always loved him for being him, and when we broke up a whole a go, it's because he kind of lost sight of those pieces of himself around me. So for those 6 months when we weren't together, we fell back into that and slept with so many girls and drank and raged.. Especially after his father died. So now here I am, being hit over the head, unexpectedly, by an important piece o what makes mason who he is. And I've had the upper hand and it's been taken. I don't mind, but I wish I felt like more of a person with that piece missing. I feel like a half of a couple, not one of two. And that's not the way it should be.
I love mason. And yah, girls want to fuck him. But I know that he doesn't respond anymore. And yah sometimes it churns my stomach, but really, he's no different from me. I just tend to hook up without going all the way due to the stigma attached to sleeping around.

Time for work. More later.

Summer

Well I've graduated, and celebrated all weekend. Gained five lbs -- thank you alcohol an moms cooking. But with those five pounds of disgusting came my period. Lordy. But it's necessary. So... Now that it's summer and a new chapter of my life, and I have time , I'm going to start taking care of myself and my bank account.

Lazy daze

Almost all my managers have gone home, but I'm hourly, so I'm sitting here pretending to be busy in my little cove 3.
I feel funny:
I feel in love with my life, I'm little and lookin good in clothes. I'm in love with my job and my lack of school/front desk. I'm loved by a handsome intelligent kind funny man. I have great people in my life... The toxic ones are no longer around (finally). And the annoying, gnatt-like, ones are minimal and therefore more pleasant. I bought my car and it's beautiful, I'm spending wisely-ish, and i still have a fantastic wardrobe. And yet..I feel restless..

I need to go home, without mas, and take care of myself.i haven't been home in like 4 days or so.

Hohum.

I do love, though, that people keep tellin me how happy I look. That I'm glowing :)

List :)

1. Making salads for work
2. Making French press coffee in the morning
3. One glass of red wine/champagne tops
4. Running and p90x
5. Go to the obgyn and find out what happened 2 months ago
6. Spend time in the sun
7. New car = clean car!! Get it freakin washed
8. Be proud of who I am; love myself
9. No more tanning bed :)
10. Budget!!
11. Cookie jars for spending
12. Finish cleaning my damn room
Tattoo :) (translation one more time)
13. Paint nails
14. No more sugar!!!!!!!!!!
15. Take care of mason <3

Oblivious

Im so blessed, but sometimes j take mas for granted. He doesn't vocalize all the girls who hit on him, so I've sort of been oblivious. But the world doesn't revolve around me. He's so amazing and wonderful an kind and treats me like a princess, and from this point on I won't take him for granite. He's sexy and kind and amazing and incredible in bed and I'm so freaking lucky to have him want to be in my bed every night. So lucky he lets me be weird, and so lucky he puts up with me, and so lucky he wants to make me happy. I couldn't ask for more. And really, even though I'm grateful for all my friends and family, it's mason who completes me.

Realizing that other girls want him is a blessing in disguise. I feel simultaneously sick to my stomach, but more importantly, it makes me appreciate him all the more. He was mine when I came back for him, and that prolly won't ever happen again. As much as I hate this feeling, he deserves someone who appreciates him and recognizes him for how amazing he is.. And now I really truly am.

Wowza

When I was in high school I was obsessed with these books written by the same author as gossip girl. About these girls in boarding school. My favorite was Callie Vernon.. And Omgosh I've become her, in a loose way.
I'm can be a total bitch and yet somehow I have fiends and loved ones
I'm trying on growing as a person
I kill myself in school
Super responsible and hardworking and super snobby as a result
Somehow a wonderful boy loves me
I'm good at heart
Fight with my best friend in awful was
Way too many clothes and little respect for them
Growing growing growing

The thing is... She was always my favorite. So I'm kind of okay with this/ I might as well own it. Be myself. Be kinder tho :)