dear sister
if i could tell you something, it would be this: im sorry. i dont know what im doing with myself, let alone with you. your wild. you throw your life to chance as soon as you drink. i wish i could snap my fingers and make everything better, but i snapped in half instead, and now youre gone. you want nothing to do with me.

Okay. I accept this, for now. if you have any suggestions as to how youd like me to handle this, id love to hear them.

i am so incredibly self-obsessed, but not selfish. my self obsession stems from my insecurities, but to my core, i will give up everything for other people. including people I dont know very well.

Here's what I am grappling with today:
alcohol. how it affects me.. positively and negatively. how can i be 22 and enjoy my youth, while protecting my body?

how it affects my loved ones. how it hurts my step dad and my sister. how can i hate them for drinking and then do the same?

and everytime i drink, all my horrible memories and emotions come back to me. im so so angry with my step father, even though i love him.

i need to stop drinking. i need to stop victimizing myself. i need to grow up.

My love

Today I realized..marrying mason is no longer a want or a hope.. It's inevitable. Masons my one and only and he will be my husband. The most incredible moment of dizzy happiness and clarity

La la list

I have so much.. But I still want more. I still want to be better. I want to be myself and also a girl mason will be proud to have.

1. Start running again ..
2. No red meat. No fatty hot dogs/burgers/pork-- even on specially occasions
3. No more dairy or sweets
4. Eliminate the alcohol. Make it unnecessary
5. Budget and save
6. Do the things in my agenda. Don't just ignore them to drink with mas
7. Be kind to myself.
8. Obgyn
9. Small coffees

One of two vs one half

I don't know what I'm doing but I'm feeling.. Lost. I spent all weekend drinking and having sex with mas and laying in the sun and relaxing... But we were also privately arguing everytime we were alone and not fucking. And fucking is the right word because he was so frustrated with me it was like he was trying to punish me.
Its like, he's been so kind and patient and gentle with me, that I forgot that he's a womanizer and a guys guy and pretty rough. I've always loved him for being him, and when we broke up a whole a go, it's because he kind of lost sight of those pieces of himself around me. So for those 6 months when we weren't together, we fell back into that and slept with so many girls and drank and raged.. Especially after his father died. So now here I am, being hit over the head, unexpectedly, by an important piece o what makes mason who he is. And I've had the upper hand and it's been taken. I don't mind, but I wish I felt like more of a person with that piece missing. I feel like a half of a couple, not one of two. And that's not the way it should be.
I love mason. And yah, girls want to fuck him. But I know that he doesn't respond anymore. And yah sometimes it churns my stomach, but really, he's no different from me. I just tend to hook up without going all the way due to the stigma attached to sleeping around.

Time for work. More later.

Summer

Well I've graduated, and celebrated all weekend. Gained five lbs -- thank you alcohol an moms cooking. But with those five pounds of disgusting came my period. Lordy. But it's necessary. So... Now that it's summer and a new chapter of my life, and I have time , I'm going to start taking care of myself and my bank account.

Lazy daze

Almost all my managers have gone home, but I'm hourly, so I'm sitting here pretending to be busy in my little cove 3.
I feel funny:
I feel in love with my life, I'm little and lookin good in clothes. I'm in love with my job and my lack of school/front desk. I'm loved by a handsome intelligent kind funny man. I have great people in my life... The toxic ones are no longer around (finally). And the annoying, gnatt-like, ones are minimal and therefore more pleasant. I bought my car and it's beautiful, I'm spending wisely-ish, and i still have a fantastic wardrobe. And yet..I feel restless..

I need to go home, without mas, and take care of myself.i haven't been home in like 4 days or so.

Hohum.

I do love, though, that people keep tellin me how happy I look. That I'm glowing :)

List :)

1. Making salads for work
2. Making French press coffee in the morning
3. One glass of red wine/champagne tops
4. Running and p90x
5. Go to the obgyn and find out what happened 2 months ago
6. Spend time in the sun
7. New car = clean car!! Get it freakin washed
8. Be proud of who I am; love myself
9. No more tanning bed :)
10. Budget!!
11. Cookie jars for spending
12. Finish cleaning my damn room
Tattoo :) (translation one more time)
13. Paint nails
14. No more sugar!!!!!!!!!!
15. Take care of mason <3

Oblivious

Im so blessed, but sometimes j take mas for granted. He doesn't vocalize all the girls who hit on him, so I've sort of been oblivious. But the world doesn't revolve around me. He's so amazing and wonderful an kind and treats me like a princess, and from this point on I won't take him for granite. He's sexy and kind and amazing and incredible in bed and I'm so freaking lucky to have him want to be in my bed every night. So lucky he lets me be weird, and so lucky he puts up with me, and so lucky he wants to make me happy. I couldn't ask for more. And really, even though I'm grateful for all my friends and family, it's mason who completes me.

Realizing that other girls want him is a blessing in disguise. I feel simultaneously sick to my stomach, but more importantly, it makes me appreciate him all the more. He was mine when I came back for him, and that prolly won't ever happen again. As much as I hate this feeling, he deserves someone who appreciates him and recognizes him for how amazing he is.. And now I really truly am.

Wowza

When I was in high school I was obsessed with these books written by the same author as gossip girl. About these girls in boarding school. My favorite was Callie Vernon.. And Omgosh I've become her, in a loose way.
I'm can be a total bitch and yet somehow I have fiends and loved ones
I'm trying on growing as a person
I kill myself in school
Super responsible and hardworking and super snobby as a result
Somehow a wonderful boy loves me
I'm good at heart
Fight with my best friend in awful was
Way too many clothes and little respect for them
Growing growing growing

The thing is... She was always my favorite. So I'm kind of okay with this/ I might as well own it. Be myself. Be kinder tho :)

Lately

"You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can. I got lost in this ole world and forgot... Who I am. "
Miranda lambert

"Pack the good and leave the rest. And drive until I find the missing piece" ml

"dear girl please remember what your knees are for"Dixie chicks

Final finals week

Tomorrow is the end to my 4 hardest classes. Ive decided I hate my hair... Which is stupid because I don't ever really give a rats ass about my hair. I've also decided I'm fat, which is also stupid because, while I may not be toned right now, my clothes fit well. I'm hating on my new amazing shoes an my favorite blouse, because I'm insecure in this new role as a professional. My car is filled with shy that I don't have time to deal with... Not to mention my room is filled with shit. Not to mention I have to empty out my bank account and buy a new car. And I really wana yell at the coffeebean girl that this is the worst iced coffee ever, and i really don't wana bitch at mason tonight.

I need to chill the fuck out. I need to just get through tomorrow. It'll be ok, and then I can do everything in my head:
1. Clean out my closet. This means getting rid of things.
2. Clean out my car. This means getting rid of thins, as well.
3. My hair is in the process of something.. I just havnt decided with yet. I'm thinking jenn Anniston.
4. I need to figure out who the heck I am. Like... Everyone else aside.. How do I dress when I go into the office?
5. Can't wait to decorate my desk
6. Get a mani/pedi
7. Handle my graduation announcements.
8. Ok my head feels less full

Time to buy flash cards

Ducks Ina row

So much studying. 3 finals and a project on Tuesday. Thank gosh I get to get them over with, leaving my easiest on Thursday.
Listening to.. Uh early 2000 hs genre r&b music? Filled with smooth, confident, powerful young women tho. I love it. Especially when they refer to their love life, and even if their not in control of their love life, they're in control of themselves.
I think the proper word is poised.
Anyways... Back to the books.

How the heck

I was so happy, as soon as I get to fd, to ally and Andy, to rude tones and annoyed guests, it's like wtf. Now I feel like shit. I hate front desk. Im ready to be rid of this part of my life. Moms right, I need to be kind to everyone, but I really don't need to entertain year people more than necessary. And I miss mason.

Salon 365

Sitting under the hair dryer, lightening my dark auburn to sun-kissed. Who knows what will come from this. As in, I have no idea what my hair will look like dry, or how blonde I'm planning on going the summer.

Things in my head?
1. Studying. I have good grades so far, I just need to keep them up and end this year..my college career... On a good hard note.
2. I'm anxious to put my desk together at work.
3. Wana sort through my room/closet and finally get rid of everything that's not necessary.
4. Crafting :) sewing those pieces of clothes that aren't quite right. Fixing broken jewlery. Using pendants that have broken chains.
5. I can't wait till my trainer and running again. Ugh I'm hungry for a good hard run.
6. Speaking of hungry, I want to continue cooking and making meals for the week. The caffateria food at work is cellulite waiting to happen.
7. It's time to leave behind the troublesome years. No more whining about daddy issues, or how boys have broken my heart. No more depressions or misguided angry comments. No more raging and posting it all over Facebook. No more hook ups with ransoms. No more messing around when I cud be working hard. No more letting others do, what I can do, because I'm lazy. Time to be an adult

You is smart, kind, important

Sometimes it takes someone who loves you to ground you and pull your head out of its thunder cloud.
For me, it's a collage of people. My mason, my friends,my family, my coworkers, strangers who become affixed to me, new friends like Brittney who seem to think there's something good in me despite the static of insecurity, old friends like Michelle who just ooze tranquility and love.
I'm becoming someone important and powerful and I'm taking bits and pieces of all my loves with me. Today is my last day of class contributing to my college degree. Next week is finals, and then the following week I graduate and I'm walking with brittney :))
Then I'm 9 to 5 coordinator to db and all the catering managers 5 days a week.
I have one for church , and cooking, and running, and a trainer, and unhinge my lunch to work, and mas and family, and going out and having adventures. And weekend vacations.
I'm going to win over Donna. I'm on the right track, but I'm determined to be the most fantastic coordinator/assistant/right hand man. Organization in everything I do. Everything neat and color coordinated an I have to remember to double check things.
I'm going to go through my things again and get rid of things. And eating right and excercising will allow me to take advantage of the clothes I keep. And I want everything in my room just as organized and tidy as at work. Not to mention a new car and computer to keep tidy.
I'm on the right track, but I can't wait to pull the trigger and have time to follow through completely

Once again..today is new

I love my effin job. Here are my thoughts running through my head, so I an sort them:
1. Sweet, bubbly, quiet- all kinda contradicts
2. I keep thinking about britt telling me "do your thing girl. You're Guna be great."
3. I may not get along with everyone, but I love myself.
4. I plan on leaving stickies on amanda and my mirror. That way I can keep my space, but still be friendly.
5. I need to clean my car
6. I need to sort my motha effin room
7. I want to bring cool things fr my desk
8. I want to continue beig fashionable, put together, and adult looking at work. I need smaller pants than the ones I'm wearing now, but I want to be beat dressed, without pissing Lc off with my blatant trendiness.
9. Love mason
10. Finals. Almost over. I can do it.
11. Can't wait to get my hair dyed.
12. Budgeting needs to start

Above all... Gotta get through the next two weeks.

Doin my thang<3
Love my freakin job <3

(pic of Michelle and I because her old soul brings me peace an tranquility and maturity)

But today is new

Second day of work. Today I will: eat really well, and bring my luch, and look pretty, and be intelligent, weeooo. And enjoy my friends and coworkers and bosses who like me :) plus I love mas face

Today is a new Day

Totally told my roommate to fuck off. Ugh. But unless that girl is talking about herself, she's not so nice. She can give great advice when you tell her to stop talking about herself. And lately, all she wants to do is tell me what a selfish person I am, and Yesturday I was in a bad mood and amanda telling me how selfish no am tipped the scale.
Oh well. I apologized. Obnoxiously, she told me "well unfortunately an apology doesn't make it go away." ha
Yeah I really don't care.

Drama

Well I'm not sure how I love happiness and simplicity, but I'm a magnet for disorder and drama.
But today everything's so new... First day of a new job, new room, and so much more is coming. I'm going to work in my banana republic suit with my mark Jacobs bag and pointy shoes . I get to be someone and show everyone how intelligent I am and how hard I work. And I'm so proud to be me, and I'm even content with my past drama. It makes me interesting, as amber and Nina say.
However I need to grow and take every situation as they come and be as mature and responsible as possible. Then later I can mess around with mason and Amy later. But if I've established myself with everyone, including myself, itll carry over into the other parts.

Side note, yes its awkward and I can keep my distance and still take lunches alone, but I need to be less freakin awkward and less timid, and more friendly.

Anyways... Im so happy. Love my life. Lovelovelove mason. I just look at him and think about how he will be mg husband one day, and everything that encompasses that.