dear sister
if i could tell you something, it would be this: im sorry. i dont know what im doing with myself, let alone with you. your wild. you throw your life to chance as soon as you drink. i wish i could snap my fingers and make everything better, but i snapped in half instead, and now youre gone. you want nothing to do with me.

Okay. I accept this, for now. if you have any suggestions as to how youd like me to handle this, id love to hear them.

i am so incredibly self-obsessed, but not selfish. my self obsession stems from my insecurities, but to my core, i will give up everything for other people. including people I dont know very well.

Here's what I am grappling with today:
alcohol. how it affects me.. positively and negatively. how can i be 22 and enjoy my youth, while protecting my body?

how it affects my loved ones. how it hurts my step dad and my sister. how can i hate them for drinking and then do the same?

and everytime i drink, all my horrible memories and emotions come back to me. im so so angry with my step father, even though i love him.

i need to stop drinking. i need to stop victimizing myself. i need to grow up.

My love

Today I realized..marrying mason is no longer a want or a hope.. It's inevitable. Masons my one and only and he will be my husband. The most incredible moment of dizzy happiness and clarity

La la list

I have so much.. But I still want more. I still want to be better. I want to be myself and also a girl mason will be proud to have.

1. Start running again ..
2. No red meat. No fatty hot dogs/burgers/pork-- even on specially occasions
3. No more dairy or sweets
4. Eliminate the alcohol. Make it unnecessary
5. Budget and save
6. Do the things in my agenda. Don't just ignore them to drink with mas
7. Be kind to myself.
8. Obgyn
9. Small coffees

One of two vs one half

I don't know what I'm doing but I'm feeling.. Lost. I spent all weekend drinking and having sex with mas and laying in the sun and relaxing... But we were also privately arguing everytime we were alone and not fucking. And fucking is the right word because he was so frustrated with me it was like he was trying to punish me.
Its like, he's been so kind and patient and gentle with me, that I forgot that he's a womanizer and a guys guy and pretty rough. I've always loved him for being him, and when we broke up a whole a go, it's because he kind of lost sight of those pieces of himself around me. So for those 6 months when we weren't together, we fell back into that and slept with so many girls and drank and raged.. Especially after his father died. So now here I am, being hit over the head, unexpectedly, by an important piece o what makes mason who he is. And I've had the upper hand and it's been taken. I don't mind, but I wish I felt like more of a person with that piece missing. I feel like a half of a couple, not one of two. And that's not the way it should be.
I love mason. And yah, girls want to fuck him. But I know that he doesn't respond anymore. And yah sometimes it churns my stomach, but really, he's no different from me. I just tend to hook up without going all the way due to the stigma attached to sleeping around.

Time for work. More later.

Summer

Well I've graduated, and celebrated all weekend. Gained five lbs -- thank you alcohol an moms cooking. But with those five pounds of disgusting came my period. Lordy. But it's necessary. So... Now that it's summer and a new chapter of my life, and I have time , I'm going to start taking care of myself and my bank account.

Lazy daze

Almost all my managers have gone home, but I'm hourly, so I'm sitting here pretending to be busy in my little cove 3.
I feel funny:
I feel in love with my life, I'm little and lookin good in clothes. I'm in love with my job and my lack of school/front desk. I'm loved by a handsome intelligent kind funny man. I have great people in my life... The toxic ones are no longer around (finally). And the annoying, gnatt-like, ones are minimal and therefore more pleasant. I bought my car and it's beautiful, I'm spending wisely-ish, and i still have a fantastic wardrobe. And yet..I feel restless..

I need to go home, without mas, and take care of myself.i haven't been home in like 4 days or so.

Hohum.

I do love, though, that people keep tellin me how happy I look. That I'm glowing :)

List :)

1. Making salads for work
2. Making French press coffee in the morning
3. One glass of red wine/champagne tops
4. Running and p90x
5. Go to the obgyn and find out what happened 2 months ago
6. Spend time in the sun
7. New car = clean car!! Get it freakin washed
8. Be proud of who I am; love myself
9. No more tanning bed :)
10. Budget!!
11. Cookie jars for spending
12. Finish cleaning my damn room
Tattoo :) (translation one more time)
13. Paint nails
14. No more sugar!!!!!!!!!!
15. Take care of mason <3

Oblivious

Im so blessed, but sometimes j take mas for granted. He doesn't vocalize all the girls who hit on him, so I've sort of been oblivious. But the world doesn't revolve around me. He's so amazing and wonderful an kind and treats me like a princess, and from this point on I won't take him for granite. He's sexy and kind and amazing and incredible in bed and I'm so freaking lucky to have him want to be in my bed every night. So lucky he lets me be weird, and so lucky he puts up with me, and so lucky he wants to make me happy. I couldn't ask for more. And really, even though I'm grateful for all my friends and family, it's mason who completes me.

Realizing that other girls want him is a blessing in disguise. I feel simultaneously sick to my stomach, but more importantly, it makes me appreciate him all the more. He was mine when I came back for him, and that prolly won't ever happen again. As much as I hate this feeling, he deserves someone who appreciates him and recognizes him for how amazing he is.. And now I really truly am.

Wowza

When I was in high school I was obsessed with these books written by the same author as gossip girl. About these girls in boarding school. My favorite was Callie Vernon.. And Omgosh I've become her, in a loose way.
I'm can be a total bitch and yet somehow I have fiends and loved ones
I'm trying on growing as a person
I kill myself in school
Super responsible and hardworking and super snobby as a result
Somehow a wonderful boy loves me
I'm good at heart
Fight with my best friend in awful was
Way too many clothes and little respect for them
Growing growing growing

The thing is... She was always my favorite. So I'm kind of okay with this/ I might as well own it. Be myself. Be kinder tho :)

Lately

"You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can. I got lost in this ole world and forgot... Who I am. "
Miranda lambert

"Pack the good and leave the rest. And drive until I find the missing piece" ml

"dear girl please remember what your knees are for"Dixie chicks

Final finals week

Tomorrow is the end to my 4 hardest classes. Ive decided I hate my hair... Which is stupid because I don't ever really give a rats ass about my hair. I've also decided I'm fat, which is also stupid because, while I may not be toned right now, my clothes fit well. I'm hating on my new amazing shoes an my favorite blouse, because I'm insecure in this new role as a professional. My car is filled with shy that I don't have time to deal with... Not to mention my room is filled with shit. Not to mention I have to empty out my bank account and buy a new car. And I really wana yell at the coffeebean girl that this is the worst iced coffee ever, and i really don't wana bitch at mason tonight.

I need to chill the fuck out. I need to just get through tomorrow. It'll be ok, and then I can do everything in my head:
1. Clean out my closet. This means getting rid of things.
2. Clean out my car. This means getting rid of thins, as well.
3. My hair is in the process of something.. I just havnt decided with yet. I'm thinking jenn Anniston.
4. I need to figure out who the heck I am. Like... Everyone else aside.. How do I dress when I go into the office?
5. Can't wait to decorate my desk
6. Get a mani/pedi
7. Handle my graduation announcements.
8. Ok my head feels less full

Time to buy flash cards

Ducks Ina row

So much studying. 3 finals and a project on Tuesday. Thank gosh I get to get them over with, leaving my easiest on Thursday.
Listening to.. Uh early 2000 hs genre r&b music? Filled with smooth, confident, powerful young women tho. I love it. Especially when they refer to their love life, and even if their not in control of their love life, they're in control of themselves.
I think the proper word is poised.
Anyways... Back to the books.

How the heck

I was so happy, as soon as I get to fd, to ally and Andy, to rude tones and annoyed guests, it's like wtf. Now I feel like shit. I hate front desk. Im ready to be rid of this part of my life. Moms right, I need to be kind to everyone, but I really don't need to entertain year people more than necessary. And I miss mason.

Salon 365

Sitting under the hair dryer, lightening my dark auburn to sun-kissed. Who knows what will come from this. As in, I have no idea what my hair will look like dry, or how blonde I'm planning on going the summer.

Things in my head?
1. Studying. I have good grades so far, I just need to keep them up and end this year..my college career... On a good hard note.
2. I'm anxious to put my desk together at work.
3. Wana sort through my room/closet and finally get rid of everything that's not necessary.
4. Crafting :) sewing those pieces of clothes that aren't quite right. Fixing broken jewlery. Using pendants that have broken chains.
5. I can't wait till my trainer and running again. Ugh I'm hungry for a good hard run.
6. Speaking of hungry, I want to continue cooking and making meals for the week. The caffateria food at work is cellulite waiting to happen.
7. It's time to leave behind the troublesome years. No more whining about daddy issues, or how boys have broken my heart. No more depressions or misguided angry comments. No more raging and posting it all over Facebook. No more hook ups with ransoms. No more messing around when I cud be working hard. No more letting others do, what I can do, because I'm lazy. Time to be an adult

You is smart, kind, important

Sometimes it takes someone who loves you to ground you and pull your head out of its thunder cloud.
For me, it's a collage of people. My mason, my friends,my family, my coworkers, strangers who become affixed to me, new friends like Brittney who seem to think there's something good in me despite the static of insecurity, old friends like Michelle who just ooze tranquility and love.
I'm becoming someone important and powerful and I'm taking bits and pieces of all my loves with me. Today is my last day of class contributing to my college degree. Next week is finals, and then the following week I graduate and I'm walking with brittney :))
Then I'm 9 to 5 coordinator to db and all the catering managers 5 days a week.
I have one for church , and cooking, and running, and a trainer, and unhinge my lunch to work, and mas and family, and going out and having adventures. And weekend vacations.
I'm going to win over Donna. I'm on the right track, but I'm determined to be the most fantastic coordinator/assistant/right hand man. Organization in everything I do. Everything neat and color coordinated an I have to remember to double check things.
I'm going to go through my things again and get rid of things. And eating right and excercising will allow me to take advantage of the clothes I keep. And I want everything in my room just as organized and tidy as at work. Not to mention a new car and computer to keep tidy.
I'm on the right track, but I can't wait to pull the trigger and have time to follow through completely

Once again..today is new

I love my effin job. Here are my thoughts running through my head, so I an sort them:
1. Sweet, bubbly, quiet- all kinda contradicts
2. I keep thinking about britt telling me "do your thing girl. You're Guna be great."
3. I may not get along with everyone, but I love myself.
4. I plan on leaving stickies on amanda and my mirror. That way I can keep my space, but still be friendly.
5. I need to clean my car
6. I need to sort my motha effin room
7. I want to bring cool things fr my desk
8. I want to continue beig fashionable, put together, and adult looking at work. I need smaller pants than the ones I'm wearing now, but I want to be beat dressed, without pissing Lc off with my blatant trendiness.
9. Love mason
10. Finals. Almost over. I can do it.
11. Can't wait to get my hair dyed.
12. Budgeting needs to start

Above all... Gotta get through the next two weeks.

Doin my thang<3
Love my freakin job <3

(pic of Michelle and I because her old soul brings me peace an tranquility and maturity)

But today is new

Second day of work. Today I will: eat really well, and bring my luch, and look pretty, and be intelligent, weeooo. And enjoy my friends and coworkers and bosses who like me :) plus I love mas face

Today is a new Day

Totally told my roommate to fuck off. Ugh. But unless that girl is talking about herself, she's not so nice. She can give great advice when you tell her to stop talking about herself. And lately, all she wants to do is tell me what a selfish person I am, and Yesturday I was in a bad mood and amanda telling me how selfish no am tipped the scale.
Oh well. I apologized. Obnoxiously, she told me "well unfortunately an apology doesn't make it go away." ha
Yeah I really don't care.

Drama

Well I'm not sure how I love happiness and simplicity, but I'm a magnet for disorder and drama.
But today everything's so new... First day of a new job, new room, and so much more is coming. I'm going to work in my banana republic suit with my mark Jacobs bag and pointy shoes . I get to be someone and show everyone how intelligent I am and how hard I work. And I'm so proud to be me, and I'm even content with my past drama. It makes me interesting, as amber and Nina say.
However I need to grow and take every situation as they come and be as mature and responsible as possible. Then later I can mess around with mason and Amy later. But if I've established myself with everyone, including myself, itll carry over into the other parts.

Side note, yes its awkward and I can keep my distance and still take lunches alone, but I need to be less freakin awkward and less timid, and more friendly.

Anyways... Im so happy. Love my life. Lovelovelove mason. I just look at him and think about how he will be mg husband one day, and everything that encompasses that.

Drunky

I hate when you drink too much, and it's the next day, and at about 5:30pm you just feel sad. I'm happy. I moved into my new room today, last night mas Amy and I had a lot of fun, but I've hit that wall and now I feel all melancholy

Maybe I should knock it off a little? Even tho I really don't want to haha. Can't wait till its tomorrow.

Happy

Yesterday was just good. I just felt happy. I get to leave the hell of front desk. I have an amazing new boss who's def going to be challenge. I'm going to have to figure out how to communicate and be independent and go above and beyond for her, but will keep my confidence and not let her take advantage.
Went out after work with a buch of guys. It was nice and mellow and just being the only girl with a bunch of guys was fun.
Ally came up in conversation and I just joked that we'd broken up because we need to get away from each other. She's welcome to say whatever she wants about me at this point, but I'm going to maintain my pride.
Anyways.. Hopefully my brain to mouth connection is working a little better.
On a side note, I think amanda is really trying to be a bitch. I think after seeing me upset she's feeling in control. But yah know, I really just don't like her. She can be sweet, and If you coax her I stop talking about herself she says the perfect things. But, shes nt someone I connect with or wana party with or study with or bring home. When we r in public, it's just awkward. So Cest la vie

Follow through

I'm following through and rekindling my great friendships. And mas and I are in such a great place our relationship isn't threatened by it. I have so much and am so blessed.

Amanda talked like ppl hate me because I make them feel like shit.well... I don't really like amanda ha and I try really hard to bite my toungue. I do to amanda what ally did to me, for whatever reason. I need to learn to be nicer to ppl I don't like, and brittneys right when she says it's good to hang out with ppl who have the same morals. And so I Just need to make sure I hang around with those I love and who make me feel good and whole.
For gosh's sake I'm friends with 2 entire coffee beans. Ally goes to both and they don't even know her name. She's worked at F for a year longer than me and yet i have so many more friends and supporters while she has coworkers. While she gets respect, I got stories and kindness and ppl asking for advice and support. No wonder she hated me so much. We need time apart so we can establish ourselves separately and reconfigure if we mesh well.
Everywhere I look I find more people who I love and love me. There will always be Amanda's and ally's and it doesn't mean anything but a learning experience.
So on that note: I'm working in watching what I say, being quiet more often, not bragging, being quiet, thinking before I talk, being quiet haha. And above all, I love my life. <3

Crisis inspires

It's weird, I lost my best friend. I cried, and now I'm completly over it and feel relaxed. The weight is off my shoulders and it's inspiring me to be better-- aka To e someone other than the girl who talked shit/ felt insecure because of her bestie. And I want to appreciate my loved ones and hav adventures with them. I'm happy. I have so much and lost the one thig bringing me down. I know longer have to care about ally . I can't wait for this Saturday when I get to switch rooms and get rid of her second bed sitting in our room right now. And get rid of her A and her bulletin board. Maybe I'll give them to good will. But no more ppl asking me if we are getting along. No more disapproving looks and bitter comments from ally. No more tension or worry shell come home. No more talking shit on her or caring if she talks on me. No more trying really hard to make it work. And no more being judged because my bet friend is a bitch. And no more letting her bitchiness rub off on me :) and it's finals so I can focus on that. Then after they're over, my life changes.

I guess I just needed someone to tell me in worthless for me I realize I'm not.

Thank you coffeebean horoscope

My realization this morning, that goes hand in hand with Amy's point of having quality friends over quantity: I don't like everyone. I didn't like ally or the way she treated everyone or the way she made me feel like shit all the time. My moms right, we made the situation work. The thing was that I Thot we were both working at it, it's why I told ally to stop being sucha bitch. But the whole time ally had already given up and was talked maaad shit behind my back. I'm shocked, but feel so much relief that it's over. She was decreasing the Italy of my life. And if she chooses to be good friends with only her mom and her bf, then good for her.
And I love amanda, but she drives me up a wall. Her comments about how good looking she is, an smart an Funny she is, make me roll my eyes. I don't want I hurt her feelings, and I hate the idea that her bf and her discuss all the mean comments I say (because I'm completly oblivious) but amanda isn't someone I truly get along with, and that's ok. So I think I need to be nice to her when I'm with her, but also keep my distance.
Because if I stop putting in so much energy to people I don't get along with, I can focus on my friends who I'm in love with. The people I really get alof with and have fun with.
And on that note, I love mas and terra may, but I dont need all of their friends to be my bffs. We are waaaay different from one another and its not personal when we don't think the same things are funny and I need to stop trying so hard. It doesn't take away from mas and my relationship.
Overall, everything is changing right now, and the one thing I need to make sure and do is take care of myself and love myself. And throughout it all, I need to remember that Amy, Vinia, Tay, and my mom and the ones who are there for me... In addition to a handful of others like tami, Conde, Jesee, Stacey, Domo, and amber who really just want to have fun <3

What I have to look forward to

After graduation
1. A new job, making more money and contains a bit of status and no more front desk mumbo jumbo
2. No more stress from working full time, overnight with full time classes and working for my professor
3. Weekends = sleep, running, church, family, vacations, my sanity, reading
4. New car
5. New computer
6. New hair color
7. Attempting to be clean and organized
8. Cooking and crafting from my pinterest
9. A tattoo. Thank the Lord ally got hers without me.
10. A party to celebrate everything
11. Building my current friendships with Vinia Amy tami Domo amanda mason terra may taylor michelle ext
12. a personal trainer
13. an increased quality of life

Growing up

Im now 22 years old. I have an amazing boyfriend who told me today that he'll love me in hell or high water. Who kissed me four times down my body before getting out of bed to go to work this morning. And who made me dinner before proofing my 18 page paper for me.
I am graduating college with a major and a minor and in in the top 15% of my class with a couple stints working for my professor.
And I have a job awaiting me in the events and banquets department at my work that pays bank.
I love my apartment. I'm about to buy a new car and a new MacBook pro. I have oodles upon oodles of clothes. And make up. And things in general.
I was blessed and have a pretty smile and bright blue eyes. And I run an eat well.
I have amazing people in my life, amazing friends and family who love me.
And yet, I'm insecure as fuck. And it's the reason I let my best friend walk all over me for the past 3 years. It's why I treat my roommate like shit. And it's why I Facebook stalk the crap outa a handful of girls who's legs and abs I envy.
I'm 22 and after working my butt off in school and at work and at flirting and charming my way through life..I was forced to realized I have become a bitch, to some people. Mostly girls. Mostly girls I don't like anyways. Which is why, now that my roommate and I aren't forced Into a Living situation/ work environment/classes we officially denounced each other. It's total relief being done with her, but t doesn't mean I've acted appropriately.
And Amy is right, it's about the quality of my best friends not the quantity. I got greedy and somehow forgot that.
I still love who I am, and 9/10 people love me and do not like my ex-frienemy. But I cried, and now I need to learn from this and move on. Just like I learned from my meth addict l lesbian roommate who turned an entire crew team against me. (dont get me wrong, in all for hooking up with girls, but this girl decided she was lesbian and nothing else).
Anyways.. Cest la vie. I'm still me and in love with everything I have.